Rough couple of days

Since sat night I’ve been feeling like crap. Pain, fever, mouth sores, and exhaustion. Have been more or less bed ridden. Only getting up when I have to. HORRIBLE! Then my mother left me alone for 3 hours for something which wasn’t an emergency which just emotionally made me feel worse. I’m already so emotional and vulnerable and depressed half the time I just can’t handle much more. Everything feels so much bigger than it is!

Was again thinking about my choices and they were not all bad however if I could do it again a lot of things would be different. I still feel that I could have made much better choices with men and friends. I also think I would have made different choices with my career. That part is still somewhat unclear to me. The men and friends I have complete clarity all of a sudden but career is still in a bit of a fog. I guess I’ll figure it out.

Surgery has also now changed. New date is dec 19th. Mastectomy and lymph node removal of left side only. The reconstruction will be done after radiation. I actually feel much more comfortable this way. This was based on the opinion of the surgeon doing the mastectomy. Final decision was mine but I was not 100% on doing implants before radiation so feel better this way. My oncologist also did not want to wait 6 weeks for surgery. This way we are waiting 3 weeks and a day. I feel far more comfortable doing things this way and really the reconstruction is the least important thing to me. It will get done after everything else.

Today a friend texted (she doesn’t know the details of what’s going on with me) but she told me that her ex who I know she still loved died of liver cancer. Ugh. Not what I wanted to hear right now but that’s life. She mentioned 2 months ago that he had a couple of weeks to live … I guess he really did. I thought he would outlive the timeline they gave him. Scary. If I had a timeline I don’t think I’d want to know. It would mess with my head too much. Anyhow I felt sad for her and gave her my condolences. We will talk in a few months when I’m closer to the end of my treatment and she’s had some time alone to deal with things. That’s what she wanted, time alone. I can then tell her what’s been going on and at least at that point things will be closer to the end of treatment and more positive for me.

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Surgery

I’m pretty tired today. Went to my place to get a few more things that I needed. This was after picking up my niece and dropping her off at home … All this with my mom of course. I decided to go with her at the last minute. Being home all the time I’m sure is adding to me feeling depressed. I’ve also realized that I don’t have a lot of close friends. Tons of acquaintances but friends that are going to come see me or spend time with me. Not too many. The couple of friends that would spend time live at the opposite end of the city. Sucks.

Talked to my cousin (surgeon) and her husband (anesthetist) today and they helped me feel more comfortable about the surgery. I’m still a little nervous but I feel a little more at ease.

Last chemo treatment coming up. I need to do something to celebrate. Or at least take advantage of the couple of weeks prior to surgery where I feel ok. Would be nice to go away for a week in December before surgery … I’m going in April or whenever radiation is over and I can go BUT would be nice to go around the holidays. 3 weeks from now I’m going to go get a massage, mani and pedi though!

I’ve been thinking about the friendships in the last 15 years that I didn’t nurture. More in the past than recent years. Friends that probably would have still been good friends today. I’ve also been thinking about the guys that I could have had relationships with that were good guys that I just wasn’t receptive to. I almost feel like I’m starting over with friends, men, and my career. It’s almost like being 20 all over again. Being 20 minus the feeling of being care free with your whole life ahead of you. SIGH.