Insomnia and the cat

My sleeping was getting better but now it’s back to not sleeping again. A couple of nights ago I barely slept so yesterday I was a mess. Going on 3 hours sleep while going through breast cancer treatment is HELL! Part of it is because on the weekends the house is not quiet in the morning so it’s really difficult to sleep in. My 3 year old niece slept over and then there’s my brothers cat which has been here now for 2 years which he was supposed to take back once he moved into a bigger place but still hasn’t. The cat meows endlessly starting at 6am. He’s now moved but just told me this morning they can’t take the cat because it will keep him and the kids up. Basically as usual I am the one suffering the most. My mother is exhausted by the end of the day and forgets or doesn’t have the energy to lock cat in the basement at night. She will now have to every night, since today I again didn’t get enough sleep thanks to the cat and had a horrible headache and pain. Had to take codeine for it. Was so frustrated I started crying. Haven’t been crying as much but I still have moments. He’s such a good cat but he’s totally neglected here because of everything going on.

At least I am not having radiation side effects yet. Right now it feels like I’m just lying there getting an X-ray. Tuesday will be radiation day 3. Starting tonight I am going back to taking drugs to help me sleep. I can’t take being exhausted and in pain anymore. I’m sure it’s also not good for my recovery.

On a happier note I’ve started looking for a place but my condo hasn’t sold yet. I think there are too many units in the building and for whatever reason they’re not selling. I’m going to have to lower the price. I want it sold before the summer. Looking for a place is tiring but also fun. I’m happy that I’m going to have a new place, it will feel like a new start. I also just bought a new car last month and will have new hair :). My hair is growing back (only 1/3 of an inch right now) and is soft and fuzzy … unlike my normal coarse thick hair. I still want to reshave my head so there is none of the chemo fuzz (which wasn’t much but still). I want completely new hair growth.

I am going to try to take a nap now. It’s noon and I’ve been up since 8am. We are going to my aunts house for dinner so I definitely need a nap, especially since I cut down my caffeine. The most I get is the small amount in the green tea I bought. If I’m really tired it does nothing. I think the codeine is kicking in, I feel really sleepy …

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Why can’t I sleep …

I’m exhausted all day from the minute I wake up but yet when I go to bed I’m up and unable to sleep. Ugh so frustrating! I don’t want to take drugs to sleep although at times I just do because I can only take so much and get frustrated not sleeping. How do I fix this? I’m thinking back to a time when I slept well. Was two and a half years ago … I had just started my new job and was healthy and happy. No relationship but was focused at work and things were going well. Then six months later as soon as I started dating things went downhill. I’m almost scared to date again. Obviously it’s not something I’m ready to do right now but even later on, it’s something I’m apprehensive about.

Wish my brain could just slow down and relax. Maybe I need to just wake up earlier tomorrow. I’m tired regardless of what time I get up so may as well wake up earlier so that I can sleep. I also have this bad cold, which is going around. Not sleeping isn’t helping me get better. I need to sleep.

On a happy note I’m recovering well. Couple of weeks ago it felt like I wouldn’t be able to straighten my arm without pain or lift it above my head but now I can. It’s getting better, slowly but surely.

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.