Breast Reconstruction – feel like the Bride of Frankenstein

I am now 17 days post surgery and am recovering well. I wish someone had described to me what it would be like so that I would not have been as nervous. Oh well, I made it through the worst part and it was fine even with a few bumps a long the way.

The first week after surgery was not pleasant. Surgery day I was anxious and emotional. At the hospital during pre-surgery prep the nurse got the IV in on the first try with minimal pain. Thank god! And she was really very nice. In those situations (sometimes any situation) one kind word can make you feel better, it really can make a difference. I was then prepped and ready in my hospital gown and off to the surgery waiting area. The anesthesiologist then came over to have a brief chat. It was the same person I had for my previous surgery. I had requested her, hoping she was available and she was scheduled that day so put her name in on my surgery. Happy about that! Also made me feel a little better. While walking over to the OR, all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with emotion. Maybe everything came back … I’m really not sure what happened but we had to take a pause before continuing. It was emotionally overwhelming, cutting off my breast and now having them start to reconstruct it. Breast cancer which now seems to be gone but you never know, and there’s always that fear lingering in the back of your mind. After a couple of minutes I was ok and continued down the hallway to the OR. Once there, I was being strapped in and the resident introduced himself, my surgeon came in, everyone was bustling around and then I felt light headed …

The nurse was tapping my shoulder waking me up. Surgery was over, I made it!! Woo hoo! She was asking how much pain I was in and checked everything. The pain was quite a bit, I was pretty sore even though I was on morphine. They gave me more drugs and waited for the pain to go below a 5/10 before they sent me up to my room. I could barely move. There was pain in my back, my front, my arm, and my stomach. I am guessing a few hours went by (not sure since it’s a blur) but I was finally ready to be taken to my room. This nurse was also very nice and told the two taking me up to my room to go slow as I was very sore. Every bump, every movement HURT!

Finally got to my room and my mom also came in to see me. Shortly after my brothers and Dad came to see me as well. My nieces made me a card and video, which was so sweet.

I was to be in the hospital until the next morning. The next 24 hours were not pleasant. I was so sick (nausea vomiting) I couldn’t eat. Also I could barely move so once I was lying down that’s the position I was going to stay in. Needed a nurse to help me out of bed and to the bathroom and then back into bed. Could not lean forward very much so always needed help with reaching anything. 3 of the nurses were great the other 2 were horrible! The nurse I had to call at 3:30am to help me to the bathroom was the worst. She was so unhelpful!! After I went to the bathroom she left so I made it back to my bed but could not properly get back in. When she came back, she helped me into bed but didn’t straighten out my sheets so I couldn’t get them over me properly, even though I had asked her to. She was such a miserable bitch. My nurse was on break which is why this woman was there instead. Finally another nurse came to help the lady I was sharing the room with and then she came over to help me. I was so frustrated at this point I started crying. Ugh. This other nurse was so lovely and my other 2 were great as well. When you’re helpless and in pain and can’t even get out of bed, it is the worst feeling when the person who is supposed to help you doesn’t give a shit and is barely helping. I complained about that nurse and they said she was from an agency.

The next morning was okay aside from the fact that I was dehydrated due to not being able to keep anything down. They had to keep me there an extra couple of hours because I needed fluid. After that my mom came to get me and was irritable and being bitchy. WTF?! I just had major surgery and she’s gonna act like that?!?! I was so angry after that I didn’t even want to speak to her. But unfortunately I had to stay with her for a few days since I needed help and live alone. The downside of being single.

I spent the first week in pain, and binge watching Netflix. Couldn’t do a whole lot and sleeping was uncomfortable but it was bearable. I had drains coming out of my back, there was fluid oozing out of the open area, had really bad blisters from the bandaid/dressing tape, and my stomach was purple from the bruising. My chest area wasn’t so bad but looked like patchwork and looking at myself in the mirror the first time was difficult. She had taken a piece of skin from my back and put it in the front so that there would be more space to create a “breast” since radiated skin is not very elastic. She took fat from my stomach and put it into the breast area so I now have the beginnings of a breast. There will be more work done later but I get a 2-3 month break.

After spending eight days at my mothers house I finally came home. While I am thankful that she was helpful it wasn’t always pleasant so I was very happy to be back in my own space. Oh and I was really excited to be able to take a shower again … no more sponge baths!! Funny how we take the simple things for granted.

I have a huge scar on my back and 2 scars in the front. I feel like the Bride of Frankenstein but I keep telling myself that eventually all will look kind of normal again. I will never look the way I did before but that’s okay. As long as I am cancer free and can wear a normal bra, I’m happy.

 

 

 

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No it’s not breast augmentation!

I realize that I do not write nearly as much as I did before. I do love writing but I have now returned to work full time and trying to maintain my healthy lifestyle is so exhausting. Also I have decided to start my own business. Doing all of this while trying to still have a life and doing the things I enjoy is close to impossible. I generally don’t get enough sleep anymore. For me not enough sleep means less than 8-9 hours. Well, I will have lots of time to sleep soon enough … I am having reconstructive surgery in 10 days.

I am a little anxious about the 3-4 hour surgery as it’s longer than the mastectomy (90 mins) and I am in the hospital overnight. Then there is the 3-6 week recovery depending on how things go. I will be off of work for 6 weeks which at least is now in the summer so I can go for walks, sit on the balcony etc. Recovering in the winter would be depressing … Netflix binge watching!

It’s the latissimus dorsi flap, but muscle sparing breast reconstruction. A strip of my lat muscle will be moved around to the front under my chest and reattached. Then a tissue expander will be put in so that my skin can be stretched. Stretching the skin … that just sounds painful but it is what it is. Once that is done, there is the second surgery 3 months later to take out the expander and put in an implant so by Christmas everything will be done. It’s an elective surgery that I chose to have. I know some women opt to forego the reconstruction but I want to be able to wear a normal bra with no more prosthesis, wear my normal clothes again and just feel closer to myself.

So this is nothing like breast augmentation, actually part 2 is closer to being like just getting an implant but this is a 6 month process … Surgery part 1, stretching the skin, surgery part 2. A lot of people assume that it’s just like getting implants and it’s far from that. Because I have radiated skin the flap needs to be created using my lat muscle. Then, aside from the obvious where I have no breast – no breast tissue, no nipple, there’s also an emotional component that people forget about. Oh and did I mention that a nipple has to be created! The last part of the process but still a part nonetheless. This is all still part of the breast cancer treatment plan.  Being back in the hospital, doing rehab and physio, being off of work to recover … it all brings back memories of the last (close to) 3 years. Wow, it’s been almost 3 years since my diagnosis!! 2 years and 3 months in remission 🙂

I just want the surgery to be over, I will be relieved once it is done. My left side may look like the bride of frankenstein after but at this point I really don’t care.

 

Tired of being emotional all the time

After yesterday I barely slept last night. However I know my parents love me they just have their own issues that make them act in unhealthy, unproductive ways. On the other hand my mother is trying to be more sensitive and has made a lot of sacrifices during this time. She’s the one that does everything. Cooks for me, takes me to all my appointments, bathed me when I couldn’t, gave me emotional support on the days when I was struggling and has been there for me. The problem is nobody helps or takes care of her. Now part of that is her fault because she lets my dad get away with not helping her and also my brother. I feel sorry for her but at the same time she created her own situation. I truly think that most of the time when she’s at home she’s not really happy. Being constantly run down exhausted and frustrated most people would be irritable and negative. However it’s not my fault so I will not tolerate having her take her crap out on me especially right now. Things are a little clearer now that today I’m not overwhelmed with emotion. Anyhow I am going to do my best to respond instead of react and be nicer to her since when I’m annoyed I’m not nice to her which also affects how she is with me. We will see what happens but today was better.

The things about breast cancer is that it can make you super emotional, super sensitive so everything is magnified. I respond to things so emotionally most of the time. It’s only the last few days that I’ve been a little less emotional (minus yesterday). It’s really difficult not to be emotional after thinking you might die, going through chemotherapy where you feel horrible and surgery losing your breast. Oh and it doesn’t end there. I’ve had no life for 6 months, I might have gone into early menopause (hot flashes Ugh) and still waiting to look normal again. Although on a happy note I see little eyebrow and eyelash hairs starting to grow.

Had 2 ct scans today. A full scan to check for mets and then another scan for preradiation so just of my chest area. I was told that the radiation may affect my tissue and skin elasticity so can affect the outcome of breast reconstruction negatively. Great!! The one thing that was supposed to be the silver lining might get messed up. Still staying hopeful as it was likely but not a for sure. I’ll worry about my new breast later.