It’s only Tuesday?!

I hear Adele’s voice in the background … Love her! Oh crap it’s my alarm! It’s 6:45am, I need to get up, get ready and get to work. Maybe I need to change that song to something less soothing in the morning. Shower, change, hair, makeup, mini breakfast (otherwise I feel horrible) and 8am I’m out the door! Catch the train downtown and 30 minutes later I’m at Union station. I then walk for 15 minutes in the underground PATH with tons of other people, and am in the office just after 9am. The ‘month before diagnosis’ routine … Hit snooze several times, finally get up at around 8am, rush and get ready, leave at 8:45 on an empty stomach. Hop on the subway and get into the office by 9:30. Funny how things have changed for the better! 

Monday I worked from home so I got up at 8:30, made my tea and logged on. It was a steady work day, not too busy but busy enough. I worked 8 hours and logged off. All good. Now comes Day 2 of my first full time week. I am helping with a project that my boss is working on. It’s been going okay but I’m not able to work as fast as before. I’ve been away for over 2 years and I still have issues with my memory and concentration. I get an email from my boss saying he needs part of this by the end of the day. Wait, what?! Now I’m scrambling trying to work as fast as I can, but not too fast as I don’t want to make any mistakes! I’m looking at 10,000 rows of data, data that needs to be amalgamated, cleaned up, manipulated and then put into a prettier format where the data that needs to be seen is seen. Formulas, pivot tables, analysis, all of it feels overwhelming as my mental acuity is not 100% right now and let’s not forget that I haven’t done any of this stuff in soooo long. Who’s gonna remember?! Needless to say I didn’t get everything done by 5pm so I stayed until 6:30pm. My back, neck and shoulder (surgery side) are now in a lot of pain, pain that started when I returned to work, pain that has me back in physiotherapy and has my body saying “why are you doing this to me?? I’ve been through so much trauma already and I’m still recovering. You were helping me heal and I was getting stronger but today you went too far. Remember I am still not 100%. I am not ready for this, I need more time. We made it through today but I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.” Walking to union station I thought, “I’m exhausted and now the pain is shooting down my arm. When will this week be over, is it Friday yet? Omg it’s only Tuesday!!! Ugh.”

Wednesday and Thursday, were more of the same. It’s now 7pm and I’m on my way home. Fortunately I drove to work today. I should not be leaving the office this late, especially my first full week!! Next thing I know I’m in tears. I don’t know what happened. I guess the feeling of frustration, exhaustion, pain and stress became too much. I was so on edge that the littlest disappointment at the end of the day pushed me over that invisible cliff. I took a deep breath, put on my music and felt a little better by the time I got to my Mom’s. Thank God for my mother, she can drive me a little crazy but I love her and don’t know what I would do without her right now. She still cooks most nights for herself, my dad, my baby brother and now ME. Days I’m in the office, I’m way too exhausted to do anything when I get home so I usually go straight to my parents house. Today after dinner I was in so much pain that my mom gave me short massage. Felt a little better and shortly after I went home. I’m so exhausted, all I can do at this point is change into my PJs and watch a little tv before bed. Lying on the sofa I can’t seem get comfortable. Now I’m also having pain in my lower back and abdomen. The pain is getting so bad it’s almost debilitating. Wtf is going on?! I need to take some Advil and go to bed. Thank god tomorrow is Friday!!

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