Shake it off, shake it off

It’s been a brutal day and I’m wiped out. I had a busy weekend with my aunt visiting from Alabama. It was great having her here but I was so tired last night after she left. Also got into an argument with my mom last night. I’m still pretty emotional and of course once I started crying I couldn’t stop. Ugh. My mom and I sort of resolved things by the end of the night but getting there took awhile and I was exhausted. My brother talked to me for a bit which helped and then I went for a short drive to clear my head. I love driving and turning up the music. Driving and singing, singing and driving … usually helps me feel better and emotionally get to a happier place. Funny how that happens. You gotta have your Go To when upset, angry, or sad. I used to workout or shop (love that one haha) but it was late and I was tired. The working out is no good now since fatigue is an issue. Already in the car the drive was perfect. Not a huge fan of Taylor Swift but Shake It Off came on and as I started singing I felt the words, the song and started to shake things off! How perfect was that?!

Today I went to work, my first 8 hour day. I was exhausted after a tiring few days and by the time I got to work I wanted to go sleep. The day had barely started and I had to have 2 coffees. I don’t even drink coffee!! 11am I had a meeting with HR regarding my pay for vacation I took. There was confusion because vacation is not allowed while on a modified work schedule. I was told they made an exception for me due to having a flight credit from a cancelled trip last year. So then what, I can’t take vacation for another year if I’m still on a modified schedule?! That’s not fair! Ridiculous!! And no one told me that I couldn’t take vacation on a modified schedule, no one told me I’d have fatigue that could last up to 5 years (average 2 years). My oncologist should have informed me but of course she didn’t and that just adds to the list of reasons why I changed to Dr. Brezden, who I love! My HOT, BLONDE ONCOLOGIST. Haha!

The Disability team keeps pushing me to work more. I’m doing what I can but I’ve realized that I came back too soon. I should have waited until 12 months post treatment but instead I came back 3 months after finishing treatment. What was I thinking!!?? No empathy, compassion or understanding from the disability team. My boss who has been amazing through this told me that he would support whatever I decided to do. He suggested being off full time again, which after my meeting today, was already what I was thinking. It’s frustrating to have them treat you as though you’re doing something wrong when you are just trying to take care of yourself and recover. Gonna talk to Dr. Brezden and find some resolution. Tried not to get too frustrated and just had to shake it off, shake it off.

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