Life is Short

Most of my days are good and then I’ll have a bad one. Like today … Had an argument with my mom which really upset me SIGH. Now my mood is off I don’t feel like doing anything and my brain feels foggy. Of course I was crying being the emotional person that I am. The thing I try to remember is that tomorrow is a new day and that any negative feelings can be left here, today. They do not need to be carried over into the next day, to ruin it. Tomorrow can be a happy, great day if I let it. So I’ll let myself feel hurt and pissed off for another couple of hours and then I’ll do something to cheer myself up. I’m also probably more sensitive right now having been sick for the last three days, which doesn’t help. Life is too short to spend being upset. Yes it happens but I don’t want those upset feelings to linger and spill over into potentially happy days.

Oh and I’m still waiting for my case manager from work to call me regarding my modified work schedule. It needs more modification!

On a sad note a family acquaintance (mom’s friend), her daughter passed away a couple of weeks ago. She was only in her mid 40s and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a year ago. Sooo sad. Praying for her family and may she RIP.

SO AGAIN I SAY LIFE IS SHORT, REMEMBER THE THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT AND MEANINGFUL TO YOU AND TRY TO SPEND MOST OF YOUR TIME BEING HAPPY. WORRYING DOESN’t SOLVE THE PROBLEM or CHANGE THE FUTURE.

It is a Matter of Life or Death!

My fever has finally gone down after 2 days. I’m still completely exhausted and feel like crap. I’ve only been back at work for 3 weeks and already I am feeling run down and like it’s too much. Mainly because I’ve now moved in to my new place, which I have not spent a night in yet! Firstly because hardly anything is unpacked and also because then I got really sick.

I decided to send an email to my case manager at work letting her know that there’s no way I could work full time in 2 months nor could I increase my hours to more than 2 days at this point. I don’t want to hinder my recovery and I’m not prepared to jeopardize my health and well being. Actually yes it is a matter of life or death! I choose life!! I choose to do anything and everything to live as long as possible. If my workplace has an issue with that, then screw them. I know my rights as an employee and with my Dr.’s support I cannot be made to work more than I’m able. Most people require 12-24 months to return to normal and I’m only 4 months post treatment.

In regards to my oncologist … I’ve requested to switch to a different oncologist. I’ve had several issues with her and I don’t think that anyone should have to deal with unnecessary frustration while going through something like this. I was a little apprehensive about doing this but after speaking with the Patient Navigator I know I’m doing the right thing, the best thing for me. It’s my health and well being that is the most important thing. You really do have to be your own advocate.

Run Down

I am so sick! I have a fever that won’t go down and it’s been there all day. I feel horrible and have been in bed all day. I think it’s because I’m not getting the rest and sleep that I need. I started work 3 weeks ago and have been working 2 days a week, half days. This week it goes up to 6 hours/day (still 2 days) but I had to call in sick for tomorrow. I’m burning up. As happy as I am to be back at work part time and have some sense of normalcy I feel that I may have gone back too soon. I’m only 4 months post treatment and still have a lot of fatigue and need a lot of rest and sleep. Which clearly I didn’t get this past week.

I moved into my new place last Thursday however I still haven’t slept there. Nothing is set up and things are barely unpacked. We did go over and do a bit of unpacking but I was so exhausted from lack of sleep that I started feeling physically sick. We did a bit and then went back to my moms after which I took a 4 hour nap. This really sucks! I want to be in my new place and set everything up, buy some new furniture and just enjoy my new space. I love decorating so doing all that is fun for me! Hopefully I’ll be sleeping there in a couple of days.

I think I over exerted myself and didn’t get enough rest or sleep which is why I’m now very sick. I’ve actually been sick since I went back to work. First it was a fever then cold/flu and really bad cough. As soon as the cough subsided I got sick again with a fever. Ugh 😦 With so much going on and feeling so exhausted there’s no way I can increase my hours at this time. Which are set to increase in 2 weeks. The disability case manager actually misled me into thinking that I’d be returning part time, NOT part time to full time in 8-12 weeks!! And then there’s my oncologist who without any discussion with me said that I’d be fine to work full time after 4 weeks of part time. Are you kidding me?! She is no longer my oncologist, I requested a change and will be seeing someone else soon. I’ve had several issues with her and this was just the last straw. Anyone I’ve spoken to in my support group etc has said that they think I went back too soon. They all have returned to work full time after 12-24 months or plan to do so. That seems to be the average recovery time for energy levels to return to normal. I’m going to have to address this on Thursday when I’m back in the office. I’m not jeopardizing my health and my recovery for work.

There are also still workshops, rehab, and support groups I’m attending. Now I’ll also be on my own which will be more tiring. The disability group at work is very aggressive with regards to me returning full time. I’m also going to state in my email to them that I was not clearly given the correct information. Hopefully things will be resolved sooner than later. Don’t need this additional stress.

Living My Life!

Haven’t written for a few weeks … I’ve actually been busy living my life! I went back to work July 2nd. I never thought I’d say this but I’m happy to be back at work, although right now it’s only 2 days a week. It’s been nice to be downtown and seeing my coworkers has been great as well. I’m on a 3 month modified work schedule and if all goes as planned I’m supposed to return to full time hours after that. Right now full time work feels quite overwhelming. I still need about 10 hours of sleep every night and need the time to cook in order to eat healthy, and exercise and stretch 5 times a week. All that while working 40 hours a week with a 1 hour commute (one way) doesn’t seem possible. I’d still like to have a life!! I want to continue enjoying and living my life. That doesn’t mean I won’t work but at this point, part time is doable, full time is not. I’m recovering well and the last thing I want is to set myself back. My health and well being are the priority. I’m happy and getting better everyday … I plan on keeping it that way.