To tell or not to tell

Yesterday we were having dinner at my aunts house. I was really tired from not having slept well again so took a nap. Woke up with very little time to get ready so didn’t put on any makeup. Figured it’s just gonna be us it’ll be fine. As we were just about to leave and I was confirming with my mother that it was just us going, she informs me that my great aunt and uncle would be there. What?! I didn’t know this and they don’t know my situation. This is going to be uncomfortable for me. Ugh. Why does my mother not think about how it’s going to make me feel?! Anyhow she didn’t think as usual. I get there and after taking my hat off my aunt is staring at me. I feel so uncomfortable that I’m quiet and not making eye contact with her. I mean as normal as my family thinks I look, it’s because they see me everyday. Anyone else is going to know something’s up. I either wanted to really make a statement or shaved my head because I was going through chemo. Not enough hair has grown back yet for a normal hairstyle. If I knew I could have put on my wig or eyelashes or something! After we left my great aunt asked my aunt if something was going on with me. My aunt now knowing whether it was ok to tell them or not says I was fine. Adding in “you know how Naqia always changes her hairstyle”. The whole thing becomes awkward and uncomfortable for me. Maybe not for my mom or my aunt but they’re not the ones going through it, it’s ME.

I either need to know if other people are going to be wherever we are going and then I can decide whether I want those people to know or not.

A friend of mine came down to buy my old car today. Hadn’t seen him in almost a year and it was nice to see him. He told me I looked great and healthy. Said I didn’t look sick at all. Then he said I’m beautiful 🙂 Every kind word lifts my spirits. He has been a very supportive and positive friend. As have some others. I’m grateful to them all. I have moments when I think about the friends who haven’t been there and it bothers me but I just try to focus on the friends who love me.

Lori who is going through the same thing (who I connected with through my cousin), sent me a card and gift. So thoughtful and sweet of her. She sent me a pink sock monkey she made, and a couple of other lovely things. I’m actually making something for her but we will leave it as a surprise until it’s done.

I will definitely remember those that were there for me through this time. They will always have a special place in my heart.

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