I’m emotionally worn down again. I was happy yesterday when I got the second drain out and then I got two wigs. I was feeling positive and a little happy again. Thinking about my future and what I was going to do once treatment was over and I was healthy again. Then it happened. My mother said something insensitive … I just couldn’t handle it. Do I just accept that she’s insensitive and doesn’t mean to be hurtful? The problem is right now I’m soooo sensitive and emotional I can’t deal with it. After that I was emotional and upset. All the positive happy feelings dissipated. Here I am now trying to pull myself up again. I hate feeling like I’m drowning. SIGH. I refuse to let my mother or anyone affect me like this anymore. Yes it hurts but I’m going to try to focus on getting better and make her insensitive comment(s) HER ISSUE and anyone else that says anything insensitive for that matter. On a regular day it wouldn’t be this hard but right now that’s easier said than done. All I can do is try.
My Happy Place …
On the beach looking up at the sky
The ocean in front of me clear and blue
The sand feels soft between my toes
I’m happy again, who knew …
The sun browning my skin
Feels so good even though it’s hot
I could lie here forever
In this very same spot
I see my house in the distance
Where I wake up each day
To look out at the ocean
It takes my breath away
It’s so calm and peaceful
I can paint I can write
Everything in my life is beautiful
I’m happy again, every single night …
I am so glad 2013 is over … It really was one of the worst years of my life. While I still have scans bloodwork and radiation left, at least surgery and chemo are over. Oh and I still have breast reconstruction left but that isn’t imminent. Will probably take a trip somewhere and then come back and do the breast implants.
There are a lot of things that this past year has taught me …
Not to take your family and true friends for granted. They’re the ones who’ve been there through this. The people that have not been there for me during cancer don’t need to be there when I’m cancer free and past this. Learn to appreciate everyday and make the most of it. Smile and be kind to people. Be thankful for all that you have especially your health. Never let anyone treat you in any way that is not OK for you. Always trust your intuition. There’s a reason your inner voice is talking to you.
Another one of my moms friends came over to see me. She has known me since I was 5 but I rarely see her. She was very sweet and loving. The one thing that bugs me that people do is tell you that had some stomach issue or something else that isn’t life threatening. She said some things like that and was telling me that everyone has ups and downs. This is a little more than a regular up and down. I know she meant well and was trying to get me to stay positive and saying I’ll get through this. BUT comparing other situations that are not the same doesn’t help. So the other thing on my list if someone says something like that again is to let them know it’s not the same unless it’s the same.
Again this reminds me that my moms friends have come to see me more than my own friends. Even one of my aunts friends stopped by with my aunt to see me. Yet my so called “friends” make such little effort. As I said above if you cannot be here during cancer then I don’t need you later on.
Day 1 is page 1 of a new 365 page book. Make it what you want. 2014!!!
The one happy thing I’m going to do to tomorrow is do my nails. They are horrendous right now which is not my normal. I always had painted nails with nail art half the time. I’ll just start with making them pretty tomorrow, save the nail art for later.