After yesterday I barely slept last night. However I know my parents love me they just have their own issues that make them act in unhealthy, unproductive ways. On the other hand my mother is trying to be more sensitive and has made a lot of sacrifices during this time. She’s the one that does everything. Cooks for me, takes me to all my appointments, bathed me when I couldn’t, gave me emotional support on the days when I was struggling and has been there for me. The problem is nobody helps or takes care of her. Now part of that is her fault because she lets my dad get away with not helping her and also my brother. I feel sorry for her but at the same time she created her own situation. I truly think that most of the time when she’s at home she’s not really happy. Being constantly run down exhausted and frustrated most people would be irritable and negative. However it’s not my fault so I will not tolerate having her take her crap out on me especially right now. Things are a little clearer now that today I’m not overwhelmed with emotion. Anyhow I am going to do my best to respond instead of react and be nicer to her since when I’m annoyed I’m not nice to her which also affects how she is with me. We will see what happens but today was better.
The things about breast cancer is that it can make you super emotional, super sensitive so everything is magnified. I respond to things so emotionally most of the time. It’s only the last few days that I’ve been a little less emotional (minus yesterday). It’s really difficult not to be emotional after thinking you might die, going through chemotherapy where you feel horrible and surgery losing your breast. Oh and it doesn’t end there. I’ve had no life for 6 months, I might have gone into early menopause (hot flashes Ugh) and still waiting to look normal again. Although on a happy note I see little eyebrow and eyelash hairs starting to grow.
Had 2 ct scans today. A full scan to check for mets and then another scan for preradiation so just of my chest area. I was told that the radiation may affect my tissue and skin elasticity so can affect the outcome of breast reconstruction negatively. Great!! The one thing that was supposed to be the silver lining might get messed up. Still staying hopeful as it was likely but not a for sure. I’ll worry about my new breast later.