Since sat night I’ve been feeling like crap. Pain, fever, mouth sores, and exhaustion. Have been more or less bed ridden. Only getting up when I have to. HORRIBLE! Then my mother left me alone for 3 hours for something which wasn’t an emergency which just emotionally made me feel worse. I’m already so emotional and vulnerable and depressed half the time I just can’t handle much more. Everything feels so much bigger than it is!
Was again thinking about my choices and they were not all bad however if I could do it again a lot of things would be different. I still feel that I could have made much better choices with men and friends. I also think I would have made different choices with my career. That part is still somewhat unclear to me. The men and friends I have complete clarity all of a sudden but career is still in a bit of a fog. I guess I’ll figure it out.
Surgery has also now changed. New date is dec 19th. Mastectomy and lymph node removal of left side only. The reconstruction will be done after radiation. I actually feel much more comfortable this way. This was based on the opinion of the surgeon doing the mastectomy. Final decision was mine but I was not 100% on doing implants before radiation so feel better this way. My oncologist also did not want to wait 6 weeks for surgery. This way we are waiting 3 weeks and a day. I feel far more comfortable doing things this way and really the reconstruction is the least important thing to me. It will get done after everything else.
Today a friend texted (she doesn’t know the details of what’s going on with me) but she told me that her ex who I know she still loved died of liver cancer. Ugh. Not what I wanted to hear right now but that’s life. She mentioned 2 months ago that he had a couple of weeks to live … I guess he really did. I thought he would outlive the timeline they gave him. Scary. If I had a timeline I don’t think I’d want to know. It would mess with my head too much. Anyhow I felt sad for her and gave her my condolences. We will talk in a few months when I’m closer to the end of my treatment and she’s had some time alone to deal with things. That’s what she wanted, time alone. I can then tell her what’s been going on and at least at that point things will be closer to the end of treatment and more positive for me.
It’s 3am and I’m still up. Barely slept yesterday and it’s day 4 after chemo. I’m exhausted and need to sleep. I don’t know what’s going on. Well I’m in pain so that’s not helping. Had a fever which magnified the pain and has just come down bc I took something. My mouth is sore (thrush/mouth sores) so eating is painful. My mom didn’t think and kept giving me stuff that was uncomfortable on my tongue. Then she fell asleep and today is my worst day so I had no energy to make any food (salad) for myself. Went to bed a bit hungry which is very bad for me right now. My brother came home a little while ago so he brought me some juice. At least then I could take something for the pain, fever and anxiety. He then fell asleep. I finally mustered up the strength to go down and get a Popsicle. Going down those stairs and just getting that Popsicle took so much effort. Also the pain is in my bones so my knees, legs, feet, fingers, back, neck … Everything just hurts. Tmo will be better.
Back to the issue of my friends. After talking to a friend earlier this evening (who has been there for me) I’ve decided not to expect anything from any friends other than the ones who have shown me that they care. Care enough to call, care enough to come see me, care enough to text and see if I’m up to talking and understanding if I’m not. Part of the reason I think I waited to tell certain people is because while dealing with all of this I don’t think I could have handled the disappointment that I’ve felt lately. I’ve had more time to deal and even though it’s disappointing it doesn’t feel as bad as it would have a few months ago.
It seems to me now that not only did I make bad choices in men but I also didn’t keep the right friends around. I have my family and don’t need a lot of friends but I still want that connection with people I thought were close friends. Not going to work, not feeling well enough to really do much and being home most of the time the can be depressing and social interaction helps. Everyone needs that support when dealing with something like this. I’m not going to focus on the friends who have not been there and just focus on the very few that have. I think what really struck me was that my mothers friends made more of an effort to call and come see me than my own. And they are consistent. It’s not like some of mine who called but then disappeared. Again seems best to have no expectations … But I am very grateful for the few friends who have shown me love. XO
Giving someone support in this type of situation is reaching out to them, not just saying call me when you want to talk. My brain is so all over the place I don’t even know how I feel at times. It’s asking how I am, asking if I need anything. It’s coming to see me so I can see a friend and talk, laugh, cry or just get me out of the house. It’s just hugging me and telling me everything will be ok.
Everyone is different but that is what I would want and I think most others in the situation would to. I know most people mean well but please don’t pretend or say that you understand (unless you truly do) because otherwise you really don’t. It’s better to listen, empathize and be as supportive as you can.
I think I needed to write. Feel sleepy now.