I hate these nights where I can’t sleep. I still fall asleep most nights but cannot seem to get up in the morning. It’s been awful. I’m getting up at 1 or 2 in the afternoon and even then it’s a struggle to get out of bed. Chemo is over so it’s not that. Maybe it’s all the codeine I’m taking along with other drugs that can cause drowsiness. Then (like tonight) I’m wide awake at 3am. Really WTF?! Will see if I can get up after 8 hours tomorrow …

The other annoying thing that’s been happening is these hot flashes I’m having. I’m guessing it’s early menopause thanks to chemotherapy. Have lots of tampons that I haven’t been using for the last couple of months so even though I’m 42 and look 32, I’m starting to feel like I’m 52!! Let’s not forget about the pain and soreness post surgery. I can do most things myself but there is pain when I do certain things and I can’t lift anything too heavy with my left arm. A lot of things are still a struggle (like bathing) as my reach is a little limited and even getting dressed is a little painful. Simple things are no longer simple. Let’s be real I feel like I’m 80 right now. Hopefully in another month or so I’ll feel closer to my 40s again.

The scar still has staples, which should be taken out this Friday. I still have those annoying drains which should also both be out in a few days (I hope!!). There’s still recovery from the surgery and radiation to go. After that there will be more surgery for reconstruction but I will decide when I want to do that. I had a friend ask me if I wanted to go for a drink this weekend. He’s actually more of an acquaintance and he has no idea what’s been going on with me. He won’t be seeing me anytime soon. It made me realize that I really wouldn’t even be ready to date for awhile. All of this is emotionally draining and as much as I want my normal life back, until I’m not so sensitive and emotional it may be best to put that on pause.

I need a break from everything, time to rejuvenate. Wish I didn’t have to be around any babies, be out of my parents house and definitely no men. Just temporarily, some time where there is nothing to bring about any negative feelings for me. Things won’t be on pause forever but I need some time to deal with everything. If I could have a few months of that I think I would come back feeling so much better. I wonder if there’s a way for me to do that hmmm. Maybe go away for a couple of months.

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