December Already??

I started chemo very soon after being diagnosed so I barely had time to process what was happening. Of course once the chemo started I was dealing with the physical side effects while still trying to deal with things emotionally. During that time I was also listing my condo and bringing whatever I needed over to my parents place. I didn’t have time to think about everything that having breast cancer meant for me. I could only handle one thing at a time. So I focused on what had to be done at that time and only thought as far as my next chemo cycle. Thinking beyond that was overwhelming, especially when I thought about surgery. So it had to be one day at a time.

All of a sudden it was December and the day after surgery! I was feeling a sense of relief but was so emotionally worn down. I was irritable, super sensitive, super emotional, exhausted and sick (had a cold). Anything and everything could have pushed me over the edge. My parents I’m sure were also emotional, tired, and have been stressed with everything I’m going through and having to see me go through it on a daily basis. So 2 days ago when I had my meltdown, being irritated with something my parents said was just the straw that broke the camels back and once I started feeling upset everything came flooding out. All the emotions that I had been pushing aside to deal with later all came out. It was so painful. Having breast cancer, losing the chance to have my own children, and losing my breast … All of it suddenly just hit me like a brick wall. My mother came in and hugged me and tried to comfort me as I cried uncontrollably for what felt like forever. As difficult as it’s been to lose my independence and move in with my parents I cannot imagine being alone during this time and I am so thankful I have my mother to take care of me. Being alone while dealing with this, I would not be properly taking care of myself. Also too much alone time gives your brain too much time to think and go to negative places, at least that’s what would happen to me.

It’s difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t been through it but this is how it feels … well for me. It’s like I’m using all of my emotional energy to deal with what’s happening so anything more than that can just make me cry because I have very little to no emotional energy left. I can start to cry over something that’s really nothing but in that moment it just happens. Sometimes I start crying and I’m not even completely clear as to why. At times during chemo I was so frustrated and irritable because I had no energy, felt horrible and my normal life was taken away. SIGH.

I just want this to be over. I want to be normal again. I want to be independent again. This has been rough BUT I’m sure once this is done and I’m not overwhelmed just trying to deal with everything, I will be stronger. I’m just totally worn out right now. My brain can’t even focus half the time. That ‘chemo brain’ as one of the nurses put it, is a bitch. I can’t think straight and there are whole conversations I’ve had recently that I can’t remember. Things are sometimes a blur, and thinking a lot is mentally exhausting. Sometimes during chemo on the bad days, even talking took so much effort. Ugh, I hope all that slowly gets back to normal … Chemotherapy is hell! It’s poison trying to kill the cancer. The last few months have been a blur, especially once I was on the taxotere from oct to end of nov. I still feel like it’s October, but it’s almost Christmas and 2013 is almost over. When did this happen??? Oh yeah, it was while I was in bed in pain or on the couch with extreme fatigue, or working up the energy to go somewhere or just resting and eating trying to feel better and prepare myself for the next chemo treatment.

Having trouble sleeping with these drains coming out of my left underarm. This sucks. BUT I am thankful that I made it through chemo, my surgery and 2013! I did that with the help of my mother, the rest of my family (immediate and extended) and the friends that have been there for me. Sorry if I was bitchy at times. It was the drugs and the hell I was going through. Love you!!

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