Don’t know how to deal with all the punches

I just had surgery yesterday morning. Left breast mastectomy and axillary nodes removed. I’m sore but can still move my arm pretty well. The emotional part seems to be harder than the physical. I’m worn down from months of chemo, moving in with my parents, having been in a stressful relationship which ended the month before being diagnosed and realizing that I will never have my own children. Oh and also just dealing with having breast cancer and wondering what the future holds.

Looking at myself in the mirror was hard today. Just seeing part of me that I had for so long cut off. I know it had to be done but the reality is sinking in now. I am relieved that the surgery is over but now just dealing with the loss of my left breast and trying to recover. I feel like an alien with no hair, sparse eyebrows, very little eyelashes and one boob.

I am also exhausted because being in my parents home it’s difficult to sleep. They wake up and talk in their normal voice which is not quiet. I’m a light sleeper and wake up and then cannot go back to sleep because all I hear is noise downstairs. I was so frustrated and overwhelmed that I had a meltdown today. Then I started getting hives on my face. I don’t know how to deal with everything that’s happening. I feel like I’m swimming in the ocean, trying to get to the shore but the waves keep pulling me back out to sea. I’m swimming against the tide and the more I swim the more tired I become. I don’t know what to do anymore … Someone else wrote on their blog that breast cancer is not all pink and fluffy, it feels like everything just turned black. That’s exactly how I feel. I may have started off a little pink and fluffy but then when reality set in and I had processed things it really did feel like I was swimming in the black ocean unable to see the shore.

It’s difficult to see people all happy with their children, especially young children, knowing that I will never have that. (Not my own anyways). I’m trying really hard to just be grateful that I’m alive and to just be happy to stay alive but when people talk about their kids and are showing you endless pictures, it’s very difficult to know that you will never have that. I thought I had accepted it and thought I was ok with it. Today I realized that I’m not. I wish I was one of those people that didn’t want children. Instead that’s all I’ve wanted for the last few years, making this all the more difficult. Well such is life UNFAIR but you play the hand you’re dealt.

So I’ve been thrown into the black ocean and I’m not sure how to get to shore … I’m a little closer than I was before but today a huge wave came and pulled me under. I came back up eventually but felt like I was drowning for a minute. I’ll start swimming again but I’m tired. At times I feel like I can’t swim anymore. I need a raft, a small something, anything that’s floating so that I can find some reprieve.

I need sleep. That will make things a lot better. Lack of sleep day after surgery is very bad. Lack of sleep at any time is bad. Going to try earplugs. Fingers crossed.

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