The past haunting and taunting me

Before I get to the past which I am trying really hard to let go of I have to say that I am still feeling horrible! This was my last chemo treatment but I feel so bad I’m not even excited or happy yet. The fever is still low grade and the exhaustion and pain is better. The other terrible thing is the thrush. All I want to eat are popsicles. My mouth feels like it’s on fire … Well not as bad as a couple of days ago. Thank god. I’ve been rinsing with the prescription rinse but today my mom gave me baking soda and water to rinse with (as mentioned by the pharmacist). It seems to have really helped and feels very soothing. Which I wasn’t expecting at all. My tongue is pink again!! So to anyone having this issue try rinsing with baking soda and water. Just don’t overdo it. I’m alternating between the two.

I was reading another breast cancer blog and the woman who is around my age said that if her results were positive there was still nothing she would change. How I wish I felt that way. There is so much I would change. I’m trying to tell myself that we make the decisions and do the best we can at that time but I’m still struggling to let things go. Mainly the last year. I think if the last year was different I could live with the rest. The thing is I still have to live with all of it because it won’t change. All I can really do is focus on making the future better. I guess the hard part is the future doesn’t seem as certain as before. The irony is that when I thought it was more certain I was doing things I now wish I could change and now that I feel less certain I want to make sure certain things are different. Actually it’s not that ironic, it’s actually pretty normal. I do need to think positive though. I can’t live in fear. I have my moments right now where I freak out but that’s because I’m still going through treatment and have days where I physically feel horrible. Like now. Well I’m better than yesterday.

I’m still sad and depressed at times. I think part of it is me being angry at myself. Angry for not going to the dr sooner and angry that I stayed in a stressful relationship bc I was so obsessed with having a baby. I’m 42 and for the last 4 years that’s all I’ve wanted. A year ago I was starting to let it go but then met someone and became obsessed because it felt like it was my last chance. Meeting him was the worst thing that could have happened to me. He turned out to be such a horrible person. There were so many times something seemed off and I thought about ending things but then my baby brain would make me stay. He wasn’t just a bad boyfriend he is just a horrible human being. I’m thankful that I’m not with him but I have to forgive myself for staying and just let it go. The other part of being sad is that I will probably never have my own children. I’m accepting that but it’s hard at times. Especially when most people I know have young kids. It’s difficult. I can always adopt and that’s not even something I want to think about right now. Right now I need to get through the rest of my treatment.

In a way sometimes I think this is my second chance to make the next 40 years (inshallah) amazing ones! All you can do is learn from the past you cannot change it. Holding on to it isn’t hurting anyone but me.

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