Can’t sleep

It’s 3am and I’m still up. Barely slept yesterday and it’s day 4 after chemo. I’m exhausted and need to sleep. I don’t know what’s going on. Well I’m in pain so that’s not helping. Had a fever which magnified the pain and has just come down bc I took something. My mouth is sore (thrush/mouth sores) so eating is painful. My mom didn’t think and kept giving me stuff that was uncomfortable on my tongue. Then she fell asleep and today is my worst day so I had no energy to make any food (salad) for myself. Went to bed a bit hungry which is very bad for me right now. My brother came home a little while ago so he brought me some juice. At least then I could take something for the pain, fever and anxiety. He then fell asleep. I finally mustered up the strength to go down and get a Popsicle. Going down those stairs and just getting that Popsicle took so much effort. Also the pain is in my bones so my knees, legs, feet, fingers, back, neck … Everything just hurts. Tmo will be better.

Back to the issue of my friends. After talking to a friend earlier this evening (who has been there for me) I’ve decided not to expect anything from any friends other than the ones who have shown me that they care. Care enough to call, care enough to come see me, care enough to text and see if I’m up to talking and understanding if I’m not. Part of the reason I think I waited to tell certain people is because while dealing with all of this I don’t think I could have handled the disappointment that I’ve felt lately. I’ve had more time to deal and even though it’s disappointing it doesn’t feel as bad as it would have a few months ago.

It seems to me now that not only did I make bad choices in men but I also didn’t keep the right friends around. I have my family and don’t need a lot of friends but I still want that connection with people I thought were close friends. Not going to work, not feeling well enough to really do much and being home most of the time the can be depressing and social interaction helps. Everyone needs that support when dealing with something like this. I’m not going to focus on the friends who have not been there and just focus on the very few that have. I think what really struck me was that my mothers friends made more of an effort to call and come see me than my own. And they are consistent. It’s not like some of mine who called but then disappeared. Again seems best to have no expectations … But I am very grateful for the few friends who have shown me love. XO

Giving someone support in this type of situation is reaching out to them, not just saying call me when you want to talk. My brain is so all over the place I don’t even know how I feel at times. It’s asking how I am, asking if I need anything. It’s coming to see me so I can see a friend and talk, laugh, cry or just get me out of the house. It’s just hugging me and telling me everything will be ok.
Everyone is different but that is what I would want and I think most others in the situation would to. I know most people mean well but please don’t pretend or say that you understand (unless you truly do) because otherwise you really don’t. It’s better to listen, empathize and be as supportive as you can.

I think I needed to write. Feel sleepy now.

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