I’ve been doing a lot of reading because it’s hard to understand why some people get sick and others don’t (unless it’s genetic). No breast cancer in my family other than grandmother who had ovarian cancer in her mid 60s. So I’ve been trying to wrap my head around what’s happening. It still feels surreal at times. Trying not to read anymore stats as they are a general statistic on a whole without including all the variables that would break it down into subsets. Each person is an individual and has unique variables. The statistics can give you a general idea of the what the case may be for that group on average. I’m trying to keep in mind that, that is exactly what it is. So is it just bad luck or more than that?
While I cannot control everything there are certain things that I can control … Diet, stress, and exercise. Yes these things do play a part, I truly believe that. They may not control 100% of what happens but if they can increase my chances then I’m going to do whatever I need to do. The one thing I keep reading over and over that I know I didn’t do was to eat 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. Something I did not do for several years (if not more). That’s now changed.
I’ve always exercised and the last couple of years it just wasn’t happening. That will change again once I’ve recovered from this.
Last but not least STRESS. It has been a major factor for me. And when I am stressed I eat less and exercise less. Which is definitely a bad combo. Stress, lack of sleep, and sugar (refined) all affect our immune system. The immune system needs to be strong to fight things off. I’m not going to get into the detail of how this all works until I do more research but these are my thoughts.
I think everything is connected … I actually know of someone who apparently healed her cancer through natural means. Now I don’t know if that’s post surgery and what stage she was at but I’m going to talk to her and find out. And no this does not mean that I’m going to forego surgery and radiation. I’m still doing all of that. I just think that these things can help me post treatment.
PS. DAY 2 after this cycle and so far so good. Last time pain started day 3 so we will see what happens. Hopefully I will be fine this time. Praying, thinking positive and keeping my fingers crossed.
Had chemo #5 today. Went OK. Hopefully this cycle will be better than the last. She have me neupogen instead of neulasta. The dosage is lower if I take it for 3 days instead of 5 so my white blood could should stay more under control. Just sucks that’s it’s more needles I have to give myself. Oh well. She still seems a little off at times giving me the incorrect dosage of pre-chemo Dexamethasone. It didn’t make much difference but the pharmacist came and talked to me since I started new chemo drug and was really great. She called my oncologist and got the dosage straightened out and gave me a little chart. The pharmacist was really great!!
My parents came back today. Thank god. I feel so much better with them being back in the house. It’s just comforting having someone here and not being alone.
Also told another friend who I spoke to a couple of nights ago and he was wonderful to talk to as well. He’s always been a great friend! Always there for me and I know he’s still there for me no matter what. Offered to take me to chemo etc.
The funny thing is other friends have too and one of these friends is not even someone I am close to. That was so sweet of her.
Sometimes I just need to talk and have that comfort and support. I especially needed that while my parents were away. So to the friends that called me thank you.
1 more chemo cycle to go!!! I’m almost at the end of Part 1. 🙂
I feel a little more positive than yesterday but still can’t help but think back to why I waited so long to go to the doctor. It’s so unlike me. I know I need to stop because it’s not changing anything. I guess I’m thinking did my relationship have me so out of whack that I just ignored the lump or thought it would go away or thought my breast was just lumpy?! I’m normally the person that goes to the doctor for any little thing. I also think that I was so consumed with my relationship and wanting to have a baby that I wasn’t focused on much else. In the past I’ve checked my breasts and I even asked my doctor about a mammogram to which he said I’m too young. I was 40. I could have still gotten it if I wanted to but I didn’t. That part doesn’t even matter it’s the fact that I felt what I thought could be a lump and didn’t get it checked out right away. My cousin also saying it’s probably nothing (making me feel paranoid) also affected me and stuck in my head.
I just feel like because I waited, something that could have been caught early wasn’t. It could have been stage 1 which would give me a better prognosis and surgery would have been a lumpectomy instead of me doing a bilateral mastectomy. Yes now I’m more paranoid and even though it’s only in 1 breast I’ve decided to have both removed (then reconstruction).
My mom just called from India. My cousin who is married and now lives in Bahrain just happened to be back home (Hyderabad, India) visiting her parents. She told my mom that she’s been dreaming about me for the last 3 days and asked if I was ok. I started crying, that is so weird. She is the sweetest person. People there are different. When I was there last it seemed like my cousins anyways were so genuine loving and selfless. I came back from that trip and people (just in general, I don’t mean my family/friends) here seemed so selfish and insincere. Anyhow, I’m glad my mom is coming back tomorrow.
I’m feeling depressed about not having gone to the doctor sooner. I am trying really hard not to think about it but seem to be struggling right now. Keep telling myself that I’m responding well to treatment and everything will be ok. BUT I’m upset with myself for not having gone to get the lump checked out sooner. I have to stop thinking about that and focus on getting better and staying better. I know I have to stop … Everything will be ok.
It could have been worse. It hasn’t spread so I need to be happy about that and just focus on taking care of myself and getting through this. Dr. Google is terrible. The internet can be horrible when you’re dealing with a health issue.
Talked to a friend today who was very supportive, positive and called me because she knew my parents were gone. I really appreciated that and talking to her helped. We had a falling out last year but I am so glad we are talking again. (Love you!)
So glad my mom is back in 2 days. She’s very positive and comforting.
Ok I have to be a fighter I cannot let the stats scare me or live in fear. The next little while (several months) will be difficult but I will get through this. I do believe that lifestyle (diet, emotional well being, exercise etc) affects us physically and I will make the necessary changes to stay healthy. Yes it even says on cancer.org that those things help, minus the stress/emotional well being. It talks about diet, exercise, and limiting alcohol to help stay cancer free. It actually said that 1/3 of all cancer deaths are related to diet and activity factors. I still believe that stress affects everything so I do think that stress and emotional well being are factors as well. There just isn’t enough scientific evidence.
I feel a little better reminding myself that I do have some control over things and can help myself stay cancer free.
It’s Sunday night and I have chemo on Wed. Trying not to think about it too much but as the day gets closer the harder it gets. It’s also been really difficult not to let my mind wander while being alone at night after my aunt leaves. She’s here in the evenings for a couple of hours but after that I’m alone. I’m also usually alone late afternoon, she comes over midday as well. I’m very thankful that she comes over everyday. My brother has also been here on and off. Not all my friends know either and people get busy so I’m not always talking to people on the phone. The being home alone part has been difficult. Ugh. I’m sure there are people that live alone and don’t have someone they can move in with. So I’m glad I was able to move in with my parents (even if it’s tough at times lol).
I’m also still not feeling great … Really tired all the time and blister on tongue but I keep telling myself that things will get better.
Short post today. Nothing else going on because I’m feeling too tired to do anything. Can’t wait until chemo is over!!
It’s 3am now and I can’t sleep. Being alone I’m thinking too much because I really am very tired. I wasn’t thinking this but my mind keeps going to ‘why didn’t I go to the doctor when I first felt the lump’. There are probably a few different reasons but I don’t fully know the answer. In my mind I can’t understand why I didn’t go check things out right away, why I waited. That’s so out of character for me. However I try to focus on the fact that I caught it while it’s still considered “early” or at least that’s what my oncologist has staged it as. It’s sort of the late early stage. I know there is no point in thinking about this and it’s not doing me any good. I’m really trying and haven’t thought about this in awhile, not since I was first diagnosed 3 months ago. Being in the house alone is uncomfortable and causing my mind to go to places I don’t want it to go. I also have been thinking about the bad decisions I’ve made in the last 20 years. It all feels so surreal. I know there’s no point in thinking about mistakes I’ve made or wishing I could change things because I can’t. I guess all I can do is learn from the things I’ve done and go forward differently.
Wish I could sleep 😦