Shoulda coulda woulda

I feel a little more positive than yesterday but still can’t help but think back to why I waited so long to go to the doctor. It’s so unlike me. I know I need to stop because it’s not changing anything. I guess I’m thinking did my relationship have me so out of whack that I just ignored the lump or thought it would go away or thought my breast was just lumpy?! I’m normally the person that goes to the doctor for any little thing. I also think that I was so consumed with my relationship and wanting to have a baby that I wasn’t focused on much else. In the past I’ve checked my breasts and I even asked my doctor about a mammogram to which he said I’m too young. I was 40. I could have still gotten it if I wanted to but I didn’t. That part doesn’t even matter it’s the fact that I felt what I thought could be a lump and didn’t get it checked out right away. My cousin also saying it’s probably nothing (making me feel paranoid) also affected me and stuck in my head.

I just feel like because I waited, something that could have been caught early wasn’t. It could have been stage 1 which would give me a better prognosis and surgery would have been a lumpectomy instead of me doing a bilateral mastectomy. Yes now I’m more paranoid and even though it’s only in 1 breast I’ve decided to have both removed (then reconstruction).

My mom just called from India. My cousin who is married and now lives in Bahrain just happened to be back home (Hyderabad, India) visiting her parents. She told my mom that she’s been dreaming about me for the last 3 days and asked if I was ok. I started crying, that is so weird. She is the sweetest person. People there are different. When I was there last it seemed like my cousins anyways were so genuine loving and selfless. I came back from that trip and people (just in general, I don’t mean my family/friends) here seemed so selfish and insincere. Anyhow, I’m glad my mom is coming back tomorrow.

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