In the house alone

It’s Sunday night and I have chemo on Wed. Trying not to think about it too much but as the day gets closer the harder it gets. It’s also been really difficult not to let my mind wander while being alone at night after my aunt leaves. She’s here in the evenings for a couple of hours but after that I’m alone. I’m also usually alone late afternoon, she comes over midday as well. I’m very thankful that she comes over everyday. My brother has also been here on and off. Not all my friends know either and people get busy so I’m not always talking to people on the phone. The being home alone part has been difficult. Ugh. I’m sure there are people that live alone and don’t have someone they can move in with. So I’m glad I was able to move in with my parents (even if it’s tough at times lol).

I’m also still not feeling great … Really tired all the time and blister on tongue but I keep telling myself that things will get better.

Short post today. Nothing else going on because I’m feeling too tired to do anything. Can’t wait until chemo is over!!

It’s 3am now and I can’t sleep. Being alone I’m thinking too much because I really am very tired. I wasn’t thinking this but my mind keeps going to ‘why didn’t I go to the doctor when I first felt the lump’. There are probably a few different reasons but I don’t fully know the answer. In my mind I can’t understand why I didn’t go check things out right away, why I waited. That’s so out of character for me. However I try to focus on the fact that I caught it while it’s still considered “early” or at least that’s what my oncologist has staged it as. It’s sort of the late early stage. I know there is no point in thinking about this and it’s not doing me any good. I’m really trying and haven’t thought about this in awhile, not since I was first diagnosed 3 months ago. Being in the house alone is uncomfortable and causing my mind to go to places I don’t want it to go. I also have been thinking about the bad decisions I’ve made in the last 20 years. It all feels so surreal. I know there’s no point in thinking about mistakes I’ve made or wishing I could change things because I can’t. I guess all I can do is learn from the things I’ve done and go forward differently.

Wish I could sleep 😦

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