Got out today after days

Woke up extremely exhausted today. Damn this fatigue!!! Oh well. I still ate and got going. Had an appointment with my counsellor. We’re not focused on resolving any one issue at the moment because of the chemo and breast cancer but we still talk about everything. It’s helps. She’s expensive so it better be helping.

Then I went to my condo to drop off condo fees for the next couple of months. There had been a couple of showings in the past week! Which is good 🙂
I had to grab some stuff but still have to go back to pack for my trip. I think I will make a list and do that this weekend.

On the way home I stopped at MAC and bought some makeup. Not much just a gloss and duo bronzer/blush in the Rihanna limited edition line. Will post pics with me wearing it soon. FUN!
Makeup can be so much fun!!!

My aunt from San Fran is visiting right now and my cousins gf knitted me this adorable hat. It’s quite cute. That was very sweet and thoughtful of her to do that for me. My aunty brought me a gold Swarovski necklace. I will wear them both and take a pic. Thank god for the easy iPhone anywhere anytime pictures 🙂

It’s funny how I keep realizing over and over again who cares about me and what I’m going through. There are certain close friends that I still have not told … I’m not really sure why. I guess I’ll tell them when I’m ready. I can’t handle the dramatic reactions which is probably why I haven’t told them. I need calm supportive positive. It makes me feel better.

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Meditation

The last couple of days I’ve been feeling really depressed. Couldn’t bring myself to do anything or snap myself out of it. I also cried a lot. It was one thing that started it but then I just sunk deeper. By the end of yesterday I did talk to my friend Sylvia and talking made me feel so much better I no longer felt as depressed. This morning I woke up feeling ok but again the same thing happened. It was an argument with my mom that started it and I just felt like I was sinking and felt depressed again. I slept all afternoon into the evening. Finally got up and showered late evening. Feel better.
I decided to start the meditation I had joined online. Deepak Chopra’s online meditation. Did the first one today and will try to continue for the next 2 weeks. It is relaxing and I want to get to a place where I can easily clear the clutter out of my mind.

My aunt from California is arriving within the hour. Should be fun and at least my mom will have help.

I feel very overwhelmed right now. I have a week to pack for my trip, get stuff from my condo, shop for a few things and get my errands done. Rest of the spa services I will save for my trip. I cannot wait!!! Great idea on my cousin Naureen’s part. I have to have everything packed, done and ready to go by Tuesday because Wed is chemo and then I can’t do anything for a week.

PS. not feeling depressed anymore. Hopefully will stay this way. Oh and I hate dating it’s just so confusing and not fun at the moment. Probably because I’m too emotional and not quite myself.

2 months now

Wow it’s been exactly 2 months since I was officially diagnosed. This has been the longest 2 months ever. Well I have seven and a half weeks until chemo is over. I can get through this, I’m halfway there.

It’s also been a whirlwind of emotion. Anger sadness depression then gratitude and happiness but then more anger sadness and frustration. Then on the days I feel physically better I feel thankful and happy to be alive. I just want my normal life back. I’m in Mississauga with my parents. Haven’t lived at home since my late 20s but I can’t imagine being anywhere else right now. I’m so thankful I have my mom. I also haven’t been able to go out or see my friends. I’m also not in the city and I miss it. I have no social life and that part is hard. I want to go out and do stuff but I’m just so damn tired all the time. Until the last week and then I have to see what I can do in the one week. That part is frustrating.

My life has turned into eating sleeping and watching tv. I’m just too tired to do anything else. I have to try harder to remember that it’s only temporary.

I have to pack this week for my trip to Tucson and then Edmonton. Can’t wait!! At least that will be a great break from everything.

Oh and I usually cry everyday but have not cried the last 2 days. I think. Maybe I did cry yesterday. Chemo brain fog is real, I can’t remember things half the time.

It’s going to be day 12 tomorrow and I’m going to pack and do my errands and have a semi normal week.

Update

The friend who made the “chemo will kill her” comment did contact me and did explain she never meant it in that way. She apologized and I accepted her apology. She is also going through a tough time right now so I didn’t want to belabour the issue. So to anyone talking to a cancer patient saying that chemo may kill you or talking about death at all is insensitive. Please just think before you speak as that person is already going through such a difficult situation. If going through chemo they are going through a lot of crap. So please just be sensitive.

I have a list of what not to say to a cancer patient but that will be another post.

My niece. She is so adorable and right now just over 2 1/2. I didn’t realize how much she emulates me but today I was her best friend awww. By tomorrow it could be someone else though lol. The cutest part of today was when she put the neck pillow on to support her neck. My neck was tight and sore so I put it on and 5 minutes later she had it on too. Apparently her neck hurt. Hahahaha! It was sooooo cute. Love my little Imani.

Good thing she’s not quite old enough to register the bald head. She just thinks I got a haircut, no big deal. LOL.

I haven’t gone anywhere or done a whole lot since last week. Just feel too tired. I’m sick and tired of being tired all the time. I wake up tired, go through the day tired and go to bed tired. So yes on my Saturday night I’m home feeling of course very tired and as soon as I’m done writing this, I am going to bed. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

Things I Love …

Yes I sound and feel like a teenage girl. Lol. I love Justin Timberlake right now and want to go see him. Concert in Toronto is feb 13/14. Hmmm maybe I need a valentines day date. Gonna work on that. I’m also waiting for the season premier of Scandal tonight. Kerry Washington always looks fabulous in that cream coat and beige bag.

Also love the skullcandy aviator brown and gold headphones. Would look hot on my bald head!

Want to check out the RiRi Rihanna collection at MAC. I’m a little late though, it came out last Thursday, the day after I had chemo so obviously I couldn’t go.

Clearly I’m feeling better today 🙂 

VENT FOR TODAY …

When someone has cancer you do not say “well either the cancer or the chemo will kill her”. Someone said that about my friend with stomach cancer. She said this because she is using alternative medicine for a different illness. I’m also going through chemo and that is the most insensitive thing someone can say. She thinks that because she is using alternative medicine she knows everything and is right. She does not know what would have happened if my friend did not go through chemo or millions of other women. AND I’m still going through it!! Anyhow who the F@!says something like that!? So just an FYI of what not to say and how to be more sensitive.

I was unravelling

Today was a bit better. Still tired but it’s been a week since last chemo cycle and I do feel a bit better. Thank god!

I was doing a lot of thinking and reading today and I truly feel that stress contributed to what’s happening. Stress weakness the immune system and when I am stressed I don’t eat I don’t sleep. None of that can be good. I’m sure there are other factors such as the environment and genetics (we really don’t know) but I’ve always had stress in my life and I just don’t think that any of that helped anything.

Prior to being diagnosed I felt like I was unravelling. I wanted to get married and have a baby and I became obsessed. I started pushing to get what I wanted, to make it happen even though deep down I knew things weren’t right. I ignored that little voice and kept pushing. When you keep pushing to make things happen when they’re really not meant to, something has to give. Something finally did break but what broke was me.

Now I’ve started to let things be and fight for what I need to (me) but let all else just be. I have no control over certain things and those things have to just be what they are. With all that I’m going through I honestly feel freer and just more at peace. The relationship I was in was changing me into someone that I’m not, it was sucking the life out of me. I was in this constant state of distress. I don’t mean everyday but it was fairly consistent. Just always up and down. I promise to never do that to myself ever again. The next 40 years of my life will be happy, stress free and full of love and joy. It’s my second chance to have the life I want.

First week (cycle 3) almost over!

Well it’s been almost a week after chemo #3 and I’m exhausted and my jaw hurts. At least the body aches from yesterday are better. It hurt just to be touched. Ugh. My left arm is still sore, the veins from the chemo. Also slight nausea but nothing too bad. Oh well it will eventually all be done. 3 more cycles to go. Halfway there. It’s emotionally and physically exhausting.

Then I’m also trying to manage other things in my life. Yes I still am trying to have a life. Listed my condo on the weekend but so far haven’t had to do anything. Did have a showing though! Also need to start packing for my trip to Tucson, then from there Edmonton. I’m excited to go but nervous to be travelling exactly a week after chemo #4. Well I’ll be tired and achy and decided to just ask for a wheelchair on the way there in case I’m too fatigued. It will be fine. My oncologist really wants me to go and said just take the drugs and go! I’m going to go and have a fabulous time. Once I’m there I’ll be fine.

Then there’s my social life or lack of one. I’m talking to a few guys but right now feel so wiped out I don’t feel like having a phone conversation with anyone. How do I do this. I don’t want to stop living my life and even more so now that I want to live and appreciate each day and each moment. BUT it’s tough because I have a week at a time where I don’t want to talk to anyone. On top of that when do I tell these guys I’m going through chemo?? Oh well I’ll tell them when it feels like the right time but obviously sooner than later. Right now I’m trying to just take things one day at a time. Thinking too far ahead is overwhelming. Right in this moment I’m exhausted and don’t feel like talking to anyone including my friends. It would be nice to be in a relationship but since I’m not who cares. My health and getting better is what’s matters right now. Men … Well if a good one comes along great otherwise who cares.