I was unravelling

Today was a bit better. Still tired but it’s been a week since last chemo cycle and I do feel a bit better. Thank god!

I was doing a lot of thinking and reading today and I truly feel that stress contributed to what’s happening. Stress weakness the immune system and when I am stressed I don’t eat I don’t sleep. None of that can be good. I’m sure there are other factors such as the environment and genetics (we really don’t know) but I’ve always had stress in my life and I just don’t think that any of that helped anything.

Prior to being diagnosed I felt like I was unravelling. I wanted to get married and have a baby and I became obsessed. I started pushing to get what I wanted, to make it happen even though deep down I knew things weren’t right. I ignored that little voice and kept pushing. When you keep pushing to make things happen when they’re really not meant to, something has to give. Something finally did break but what broke was me.

Now I’ve started to let things be and fight for what I need to (me) but let all else just be. I have no control over certain things and those things have to just be what they are. With all that I’m going through I honestly feel freer and just more at peace. The relationship I was in was changing me into someone that I’m not, it was sucking the life out of me. I was in this constant state of distress. I don’t mean everyday but it was fairly consistent. Just always up and down. I promise to never do that to myself ever again. The next 40 years of my life will be happy, stress free and full of love and joy. It’s my second chance to have the life I want.

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