A couple of days ago I was going to see my stylist to trim down the stubble. It was falling out!! As I was getting ready to go someone I recently connected with because we were both dealing with cancer (her’s gastric cancer) texted me. My stylist is the one who connected us. She said her surgeon told her she has 1-2 yrs! What?! I knew her prognosis was not great but to hear that was still unexpected. My heart just sank and I started crying and couldn’t stop. I also thought thank god that’s not me but felt so bad. I couldn’t even imagine. Her and I are the same age and went to the same high school. We weren’t friends back then but I remembered her. It was all just so sad.
I got to my stylist’s place and by then she had told him. I was glad because I still couldn’t stop crying. We sat there and talked for an hour or so. Wondering why this was happening and just thinking about life. So many things we place importance on really don’t matter in the end. We forget to appreciate what we have and what’s important. It happens we are human but I really don’t ever want to have more than brief passing moments where I’m unhappy or unappreciative. Life truly is a gift.
I came home and told my mom. I was just so sad the entire day. I was also reminded that things could be worse and I am so thankful that I’m responding well to my treatment and will (inshallah) be well soon. I felt so sad for her. She’s a fighter and it is only a stat but it’s also a possibility. To me god is the only one who knows how long we each have here. I prayed for her. I’m also thankful for each day that I’m here especially when it’s a good day. Even when I’m 75 I want to remember to be thankful for each day. I want to be happy and appreciate each day. Maybe that’s my lesson in all of this … I don’t know. I am one of those people who believes that things do happen for a reason even though at times that’s hard to Understand since we don’t always know what the reason is.
I’m finally feeling somewhat better even though the fatigue is still there. I feel like I have a million things to do and nothing is getting done. I’m not working right now but it still feels that way. I guess there are other things to do like get things organized and sell the condo. All of that feels like a monumental task right now but at least I am more than occupied.
I really didn’t do much today other than relax and sleep. Oh I did make a few phone calls this morning in regards to some things that needed to be done. More to do tomorrow. AND I got my new real estate business cards today. Was nice that Dwight dropped them off. They look very nice! Although I can’t sell anything right now it’s nice to have them there to motivate myself.
Nothing too exciting today but I DIDNT FEEL TERRIBLE TODAY!!! YAAAAYYYY!
I’m gonna skip over the bad part of yesterday and jump to the evening where my very close friend took me out for dinner. I had a great time! Definitely need to have more of those. Still had fatigue but oh well what can you do. The part that sucks is I couldn’t sleep! Probably because I took a nap earlier being tired all the damn time. I was then up until 3:30am! Didn’t get to sleep in so my entire day was a mess. Woke up with a headache and felt exhausted. Didn’t take a nap so that I could sleep tonight. Also got a blister in my mouth! Yes that’s another lovely side effect. Rinsing with baking soda helps and I also used the rinse they prescribed and it does already feel better. And on that happy note I’m off to bed to gets lots of sleep tonIght.
i guess the only pink lemonade was the dinner last night Lol. Sweet dreams my friends. XO
Today I’m just feeling like crap. Physically and emotionally. I’m trying to be grateful and thankful for everything but its just not working today. I’m pissed off that this is happening to me! I couldn’t stop crying earlier. I’ve stopped now.
Earlier my mom took me to the hospital to see the oncologist and get the heart palpitations checked out. Turns out my pulse and heartbeat are fine. Probably anxiety which I seem to be having a lot of. I’m exhausted but having trouble sleeping. Lorazepam has definitely become my friend. Never thought I’d say that! Lol
At the hospital when going to get the ECG I saw a girl I went to university with and up until a few years ago we were still friends. She always said stupid things but she was a nice person I guess. She got married and then dropped off the face of the earth. When she saw me today with my bald head coming for an ECG she smiles and says “what are you doing here?”. Is she that stupid??? What the fk does it look like I’m doing here dumbass!? That’s what I really wanted to say but just ignored her stupid question and asked where I go for the ECG. She did not come over and say anything and I didn’t say anything either and left.
My mom said something insensitive (which really wasn’t that bad) but Im just so sensitive and emotional i couldn’t stop crying after that. She then was upset and saying more stupid things which just made it worse. Then she felt bad and tried to make me feel better but I was already bawling and feeling depressed. Came home and ate but still felt so depressed. Everyone has their happy family and happy life and I’m alone. My mother reminded me that not everything is what it seems and not everyone is happy. There are a lot of people worse off than me. While I know all of that is true today just doesn’t seem to be one of those days where I can shake this sad and angry feeling that I have.
I’m gonna take a nap. Maybe things will be brighter when I wake up.
i woke up And ate and do feel a little better. Trying to remember that’s its sep 11th and there were a lot of people that lost their lives. I still have mine and did not lose anyone. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Today is day 5 after chemo and its just been a bad day. It’s like the toxins are drowning me. I’m exhausted but can’t sleep and my body is achy. I’ve also been having heart palpitations today but at least had less today. I just want this to be over but it’s really just only begun. I’m trying to stay focused on the fact that I’m getting better and good things are to come (even if they are far away right now).
I don’t know what I’d do without my mom who has been taking care of me. I don’t think I’d be eating if it weren’t for her. Very thankful that I’m here with my parents and that my mom has the option to stay home with me if I need her.
Back to the side effects. My left arm is achy, my back is achy and sensitive. Everything hurts. My left leg feels off and the muscles in my neck feel tight. Lets not forget that I have absolutely no energy and am completely drained and fatigued. My jaw hurts all the way up to my ears. No nausea so I guess it could be worse. Feels horrible to not be able to go anywhere or do anything. I just want to feel better. Tomorrow will be better. Day 6.
So I went for my chemo cycle #2 and right before the oncologist examined me and said that to her it seems that tumour has shrunk by 25-30%!!! I was in disbelief but then felt it myself and it did feel smaller. Thank God!
There was a sense of joy, relief and just a lot of overwhelming emotions. I’m going to pray that I continue to respond well.
The down side … It’s day 4 after chemo and I feel like crap. So much fatigue and just overall don’t feel great. Also having heart palpitations the last couple of days. Ugh. Well at least no major nausea this time. I just want to feel better. I feel like I can’t go anywhere or do anything. I have no energy and am emotionally all over the place. This really sucks!!! Yes I have moments where it doesn’t feel fair! The why me, especially with having my relationship end 3 weeks prior to the diagnosis. BUT I keep telling myself that after the storm there will be a rainbow. It’s just hard, lately I’ve been crying everyday and sometimes I don’t even know why. It’s all extremely frustrating.