Today I’m just feeling like crap. Physically and emotionally. I’m trying to be grateful and thankful for everything but its just not working today. I’m pissed off that this is happening to me! I couldn’t stop crying earlier. I’ve stopped now.
Earlier my mom took me to the hospital to see the oncologist and get the heart palpitations checked out. Turns out my pulse and heartbeat are fine. Probably anxiety which I seem to be having a lot of. I’m exhausted but having trouble sleeping. Lorazepam has definitely become my friend. Never thought I’d say that! Lol
At the hospital when going to get the ECG I saw a girl I went to university with and up until a few years ago we were still friends. She always said stupid things but she was a nice person I guess. She got married and then dropped off the face of the earth. When she saw me today with my bald head coming for an ECG she smiles and says “what are you doing here?”. Is she that stupid??? What the fk does it look like I’m doing here dumbass!? That’s what I really wanted to say but just ignored her stupid question and asked where I go for the ECG. She did not come over and say anything and I didn’t say anything either and left.
My mom said something insensitive (which really wasn’t that bad) but Im just so sensitive and emotional i couldn’t stop crying after that. She then was upset and saying more stupid things which just made it worse. Then she felt bad and tried to make me feel better but I was already bawling and feeling depressed. Came home and ate but still felt so depressed. Everyone has their happy family and happy life and I’m alone. My mother reminded me that not everything is what it seems and not everyone is happy. There are a lot of people worse off than me. While I know all of that is true today just doesn’t seem to be one of those days where I can shake this sad and angry feeling that I have.
I’m gonna take a nap. Maybe things will be brighter when I wake up.
i woke up And ate and do feel a little better. Trying to remember that’s its sep 11th and there were a lot of people that lost their lives. I still have mine and did not lose anyone. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Today is day 5 after chemo and its just been a bad day. It’s like the toxins are drowning me. I’m exhausted but can’t sleep and my body is achy. I’ve also been having heart palpitations today but at least had less today. I just want this to be over but it’s really just only begun. I’m trying to stay focused on the fact that I’m getting better and good things are to come (even if they are far away right now).
I don’t know what I’d do without my mom who has been taking care of me. I don’t think I’d be eating if it weren’t for her. Very thankful that I’m here with my parents and that my mom has the option to stay home with me if I need her.
Back to the side effects. My left arm is achy, my back is achy and sensitive. Everything hurts. My left leg feels off and the muscles in my neck feel tight. Lets not forget that I have absolutely no energy and am completely drained and fatigued. My jaw hurts all the way up to my ears. No nausea so I guess it could be worse. Feels horrible to not be able to go anywhere or do anything. I just want to feel better. Tomorrow will be better. Day 6.
So I went for my chemo cycle #2 and right before the oncologist examined me and said that to her it seems that tumour has shrunk by 25-30%!!! I was in disbelief but then felt it myself and it did feel smaller. Thank God!
There was a sense of joy, relief and just a lot of overwhelming emotions. I’m going to pray that I continue to respond well.
The down side … It’s day 4 after chemo and I feel like crap. So much fatigue and just overall don’t feel great. Also having heart palpitations the last couple of days. Ugh. Well at least no major nausea this time. I just want to feel better. I feel like I can’t go anywhere or do anything. I have no energy and am emotionally all over the place. This really sucks!!! Yes I have moments where it doesn’t feel fair! The why me, especially with having my relationship end 3 weeks prior to the diagnosis. BUT I keep telling myself that after the storm there will be a rainbow. It’s just hard, lately I’ve been crying everyday and sometimes I don’t even know why. It’s all extremely frustrating.
So I’m at the appt with the surgeon and he is very concerned. Says I should have come in sooner. Yes I know that already and feel like crap about not coming in sooner. Can’t cry over spilt milk. It takes me a week or two to really get there though. Because he is concerned, I get a mammogram, imaging and a biopsy all that day! I’m emotionally exhausted and just completely overwhelmed. Is this really happening?? It feels so surreal. We also book the appointments for the bone scan and pelvic/abdominal ultrasound and an MRI within the next few days. Oh I forgot I also had a chest X-ray that same day. Exhale … That day was a blur. My mom came and met me half way through the day which was great. I really needed the support so I go back to my parents place since going home and being alone would be hell! it was comforting having my mother around. At least I had someone to take care of me which I would not have done. I am in a daze. Not having lived at home in almost 15 yrs it was a bit of an adjustment and felt weird being out of the city but it was nice at the same time.
Back to the story. i go onto work the next day and tell my boss the situation. He is so compassionate and empathetic that he tells me to take my laptop and go home. He is such an awesome boss! So I tell a couple of my coworkers and leave, the rest will find out later once I know for sure what’s happening.
Aug 6. I’m back at the surgeon’s office, my additional tests/scans have been done and he has all the results. He was pretty awesome as well for expediting everything!! So I officially have breast cancer which has spread to two local lymph nodes but I also have two lumps in my left breast. It’s all still local so I am very thankful (to God) for that. They now have to change the treatment plan because of the second lymph node. Now the plan is chemo first, surgery second. I get a second opinion from the other surgeon there and he concurs. Also when I get home I call my cousin who is a general surgeon and she agrees (she’s also had a chance to look at the imaging). I decide that I am going to go ahead with the chemo first. Oncology appt is booked the following week.
Still working here and there from home and trying to keep busy. Call my boss so now my extended team at work knows. Also getting forms and paperwork sorted out for disability benefits and critical illness insurance (which I thankfully paid into, which was barely anything). I think everyone should get it since you never know what will happen. I’m also reading other blogs and trying to get info on chemo side effects etc. the ones I’m finding are scaring me. I read one and now I’m even more terrified! I stop reading anymore blogs.
Aug 13. I’m at the oncologist appt with my baby brother and sister in law (other brothers wife) who have both been great! The oncologist talks to me then examines me and then says can you start chemo Tomorrow? Omg so soon!? I’m mentally so not prepared but I say sure. Already made the decision so the sooner the better. I’m scared and having so much anxiety. Not knowing what to expect is daunting.
It’s early July and I just realized that I’ve been lied to in my relationship. The person I thought he was, is not who he is at all! I am in shock!! Wow!! How could this be happening!? Somewhere around this time I tell him that I think I have a lump in my breast. I make the appointment to go see my doctor.
Mid July the relationship is over. I’m hurt and soooo angry!!! How could someone be so selfish and heartless. When you are with someone the things they do affect your life as well. Obviously the only person he was thinking about was himself! Being 42 I felt as though this was my last chance to have children. I overlooked things because of my desire to have a family, it completely clouded my judgement. I’m not even going get into the details because he truly doesn’t deserve the energy it would take to write everything. I was however angry with myself for ignoring things and not ending the relationship much sooner!
The following week I go see my doctor and there is a lump, so he refers me to the breast centre at the hospital. I’m scared and still dealing with getting over my relationship ending. Ugh. I go into work a total emotional mess with minimal communication with ex, who by the way gave me no closure! Now totally emotional thinking I have breast cancer because not only was there a lump in my breast but also my left armpit. Why didn’t I go sooner??? So much was happening including the stress of the relationship that the lump had not been in the forefront of my mind until I felt the lump in the lymph node of my left armpit. I wish I had gone sooner. My relationship had turned me into a different person, I was doing things that were out of character for me. I felt so betrayed by the person I was with. He had caused me so much emotional distress that I had lost myself and become someone that wasn’t me at times. The person I am would have gone to the doctor ASAP and checked out that lump. Even if it was nothing because that’s who I am. Never be with someone if you’re no longer yourself with that person.
End of July and I’m at the breast centre seeing the the breast surgeon investigating my lump … All of a sudden the loss of the relationship and my ex don’t matter. He’s a total douchebag (and other names I will not write) and I’m angry but thankful that he’s out of my Life. That relationship chapter is closed! It’s all good there is someone better waiting for me …