Ups and downs

Yesterday I had a good day. Was tired but got a nap in the Afternoon and went out in the evening with my friend D. Nothing exciting just late dinner but he made me laugh, we had fun! Things don’t feel normal and I feel stuck not being able to live my life normally. It’s extremely frustrating but it is what it is.

Today however was a different story. After coming home last night for whatever reason I couldn’t sleep. Ughhhhh. Not again!!! So I woke up today feeling like crap with a bad headache. Oh and did I mention that my neck is still sore and in pain half the time. Really need to go get that massage.
I’ve told my mother to ask me how I’m feeling before my niece comes over as she’s little and runs around and plays (naturally), but unfortunately for me that means I cannot sleep having the misfortune of being a super light sleeper. Of course my mother didn’t ask and I was exhausted with a headache and feeling like crap … Meaning I needed to sleep this afternoon.

My niece came over and I played with her for a bit. I do love spending time with her but then the fatigue set in and I needed to sleep. Well I kept waking up every 10 mins because she was running around. The constant waking up made me nauseated and of course frustrated! I told my mother and was upset that she did not ask if I was ok enough to have my niece over that day even though she saw that I was in pain and crying that morning. Of course the frustration of it all made me emotional and I could not stop crying. My brother Shabil came in and tried to help me relax and tried to make me feel better and it helped a little. I cried in bed for a little longer and then eventually stopped.

Finally after a long while I came down to eat. I sat down but started crying again because my brother had already gone out and my parents were going out so I was going to be home alone. I did plan on meeting up with a friend but that was only if I slept and wasn’t exhausted which didn’t happen. Frustrated all over again I became extremely emotional. In a few days I have chemo so again will not be able to do anything and will feel horrible for at least a week to ten days, so this was really my only weekend for now to go out or do anything … This 3 week cycle anyways.

Doesn’t seem fair but then life isn’t fair. There are many people worse off than me and I have to remind myself of that each day. That doesn’t mean however that I’m not entitled to feel sad, angry, frustrated and all the other emotions I go through daily. It just means that at the end of the day I am thankful that I am here and doing ok because I will get through this and be fine.

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