Today I’m just feeling like crap. Physically and emotionally. I’m trying to be grateful and thankful for everything but its just not working today. I’m pissed off that this is happening to me! I couldn’t stop crying earlier. I’ve stopped now.
Earlier my mom took me to the hospital to see the oncologist and get the heart palpitations checked out. Turns out my pulse and heartbeat are fine. Probably anxiety which I seem to be having a lot of. I’m exhausted but having trouble sleeping. Lorazepam has definitely become my friend. Never thought I’d say that! Lol
At the hospital when going to get the ECG I saw a girl I went to university with and up until a few years ago we were still friends. She always said stupid things but she was a nice person I guess. She got married and then dropped off the face of the earth. When she saw me today with my bald head coming for an ECG she smiles and says “what are you doing here?”. Is she that stupid??? What the fk does it look like I’m doing here dumbass!? That’s what I really wanted to say but just ignored her stupid question and asked where I go for the ECG. She did not come over and say anything and I didn’t say anything either and left.
My mom said something insensitive (which really wasn’t that bad) but Im just so sensitive and emotional i couldn’t stop crying after that. She then was upset and saying more stupid things which just made it worse. Then she felt bad and tried to make me feel better but I was already bawling and feeling depressed. Came home and ate but still felt so depressed. Everyone has their happy family and happy life and I’m alone. My mother reminded me that not everything is what it seems and not everyone is happy. There are a lot of people worse off than me. While I know all of that is true today just doesn’t seem to be one of those days where I can shake this sad and angry feeling that I have.
I’m gonna take a nap. Maybe things will be brighter when I wake up.
i woke up And ate and do feel a little better. Trying to remember that’s its sep 11th and there were a lot of people that lost their lives. I still have mine and did not lose anyone. Tomorrow will be a better day.