Lovely elephant necklace

It’s still the first week after chemo where I feel crappy but I actually don’t feel as bad as I did after cycle 2 (I think). Which is weird but good!

I got a couple of emails from work. My boss asking how I’m doing and another coworker also emailed asking and saying that I am in their thoughts and prayers. Which is touching and means a lot. My other coworker Marcela sent me something. It was a get well card with a gift. The gift was a lovely silver big elephant necklace. I thought this was so sweet of her but what I didn’t realize was that it was her necklace that I must have complimented at some point. She sent me her necklace … I was so touched and being so emotional right now of course I was crying. It was such a sweet thoughtful thing for her to do. That necklace will always be treasured.

A couple of my moms friends also came over to see me today and brought a gift basket and flowers also with a very touching card with many kind positive and supportive words. It really is wonderful to know that so many people love and care about me. I guess in these moments you see who really does love you.

Also I had been frustrated with my mom but she has been great! I guess we both needed to adjust to living with each other and what’s happening. She is so positive and has done nothing but take care of me.

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Day after was actually a happy one

Not a whole lot to write about today. Woke up slightly nauseated but then took a nap and felt way better. Almost a normal day!!

Watched several episodes of Breaking Bad and even talked to a boy I like … Happy distraction lol.

Then came the neulasta shot. I spilled a little, oh well. Giving myself the shot for the second time was not quite as traumatic as the first time Lol. Wish going to chemo would feel less traumatic. It doesn’t. BUT I don’t have to go back for another almost 3 weeks and because physically I feel ok emotionally I feel ok right now.

I’ve even been thinking about what wigs I want! I’ve been rockin my bald head for a few weeks now and I’m totally fine with it. Still want a wig or two for fun. Maybe a big curly hair one, not an afro but big curls and a wavy bob but in Pink! Hair that I’d never actually have. That would be so fun!! Also it’s now fall and having no hair makes you feel very cold!

Chemo #3

Woo hoo! I’m halfway there. 3 down 3 to go. I can do this. All will be fine in the end.

Today wasn’t fun. The process is you go on check in then get a blood test and your blood pressure. Then the nurse checks your weight and asks about side effects and how you’re feeling. You then go back and see the oncologist. She asks how you’re doing and then checks you out and measures the tumour manually. This time the lymph node shrunk more significantly. So at least I’m responding and can tell myself this chemo crap is worth it. Then comes the worst part. You go and sit in a chair which does recline and is heated and the nurse puts in the IV which I hate every time. The. The fluid start … Pre-fluids first and then the actual chemo drugs. It all takes about 3 hours and then you’re finally done. My brother Namir came with me again … So happy I had him there 🙂

Felt ok today after coming home, just drowsy. Watched the first few episodes of Breaking Bad. They are replaying from the start until Saturday/Sunday so people like me can catch up. I can actually catch up because I prob won’t be doing anything the next few days. I usually start to feel worse Day 2-6. So yeah!!! I’m excited to catch up on the show that everyone’s been talking about!

I’m also trying to change my karma and energy which I think went from good to bad last fall. I was happy and bubbly before then and 4 months into dating L my energy changed from positive to negative. What the f@&k happened!? Anyhow I need to make an effort to change it back.
Today while I was waiting to go in for chemo I had this older lady come over and tell me I had the most beautiful eyes! She was very sweet. This other woman commented on my boots saying she liked them and then another lady who started talking to me said she thought I was in my mid 20s?! All of that changes your energy or maybe my energy is starting to change so the happy bubbly me is radiating again … Hope so because I really need and want her back. 🙂

The Night Before Chemo

Well it’s the night before chemo #3. Overall I felt pretty good today but of course there’s always that underlying tired feeling. Today I went to my condo and met with Dwight. He decluttered and got things picture ready in no time at all. He was awesome!!! So he’s going to list the condo and do everything for me. I was supposed to do things and this would have been my first listing and sale but I just don’t have the energy to do it or even think about it. So I’m leaving it to Dwight. The website is http://www.grangerealestate.ca and I would recommend Dwight Grange to everyone! We will see how long it takes my condo to sell and what I get for it.

I got more fall clothes and a few other things I had left there. I miss my place already. I love my place, it was very ME. I honestly really dislike being in Mississauga. I miss being in Toronto, being in the city. It just feels like there’s nowhere to go and nothing to do here. It’s just a different vibe. One that I’m not used to after living in the city for 13 years and working downtown for 17 yrs. it is what it is and there’s nothing I can do. I need to be near my family. I want to be with them right now. It’s comforting. As much as I say my mother frustrates me, I want to be with her, it feels safe and comforting. I really don’t want to be alone and fortunately I don’t have to be.

As usual I’m having some anxiety again. I’ll get through tomorrow and just deal with the week. Then I can focus on my trip to Arizona. I can’t wait! I’ll be at Canyon Ranch in Tucson. I am so looking forward to it!!

I just want all of this to be over. At least after tomorrow chemo will be half over. Let’s not forget the most important part … It’s working and the tumour is shrinking. 😀

1 more happy day!

It is day 20 so I’ve been feeling pretty good lately. Only my left arm is sore, hurts when touched and still not as much energy as I usually have. Overall I feel good! Went and did a little shopping yesterday and today went to go look at a loft today. It was actually exactly what I wanted. The upstairs is the bedroom space with a balcony and the bedroom is large enough for my king bed and other bedroom furniture. The rest of the unit is nice too! I guess we will see what happens as they want someone November 1 and I’m looking for something December 1. I also haven’t listed my condo yet. Going to get that process started tomorrow. Hopefully it will sell by nov so I don’t have to worry about it anymore.

Being in Mississauga gets to me at times. I miss being in the city, being able to see my friends and just doing all things I like doing in the city. I only miss it on the days I don’t feel crappy which is half the time. The rest of the time I like being here with my family. It’s very comforting.
So tomorrow I’m going to try to catch up on a few things and get the condo ball rolling.

Trying not to think too much about chemo on wed. I just keep saying to myself … I can do this I can do this I can do this. Almost halfway there and then the chemo will be over. YAAAAYYYY
I can and will get through this.

Also, I’m starting to feel sexy with my bald head lol. No dates yet since I haven’t been anywhere but feels good to feel sexy again … Until Wed when I feel like crap again for a week or so. Oh well now that a lot of things are getting sorted out hopefully I can do more on the days I feel better.

Still need to tan my head. Haha!

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Does the frustration never end?!

I finally start to feel better and then my mother has to come home and say something about what I’m wearing. She then covers it up by saying its because she’s worried that I’m cold. She is very religious and doesn’t like that what I’m wearing is short. I’m in the house with no one here!! Can I not just be comfortable?!?!

I’ve had such a frustrating day that I start crying again. I can’t take it! She then doesn’t know what to say or do because she doesn’t want to upset me but I’m now just angry and tired of being frustrated and emotional all the time. I’m already extra sensitive and emotional because of everything and she just doesn’t get it! I’m sure all this frustration is not helping me get better. BUT I’m still going to find ways to stay calm and get better no matter what. I’m starting by going back to the gym and working out, doing classes etc.

I thought about getting my own place close by but being alone feels worse and there are a lot of days where I’m too exhausted to do anything and truly need my mother. I am very thankful for her but these arguments are getting to me and I just can’t deal with it right now. Hopefully she will get better and it will all get better. I pray that it gets better.

I’m also a little frustrated not really being able to date and feeling like my life is on hold. Having this happen has made me want to make the most of each day which seems impossible right now. How do I do this. I read other blogs for people going through chemo and how they dealt with dating. Most said they felt the same way I did so they just dated like they normally would but with telling the person early on what the situation was. That’s what I’m going to do. I need to still live my life and do what I can. Being at home all the time and feeling like I can’t do anything is making me feel so much worse. Yes I will have a week or so where I feel like crap but then for the two weeks where I feel better I need to do the things I enjoy during that time. Isn’t that what making pink lemonade is … Playing the hand your dealt.

Ups and downs

Yesterday I had a good day. Was tired but got a nap in the Afternoon and went out in the evening with my friend D. Nothing exciting just late dinner but he made me laugh, we had fun! Things don’t feel normal and I feel stuck not being able to live my life normally. It’s extremely frustrating but it is what it is.

Today however was a different story. After coming home last night for whatever reason I couldn’t sleep. Ughhhhh. Not again!!! So I woke up today feeling like crap with a bad headache. Oh and did I mention that my neck is still sore and in pain half the time. Really need to go get that massage.
I’ve told my mother to ask me how I’m feeling before my niece comes over as she’s little and runs around and plays (naturally), but unfortunately for me that means I cannot sleep having the misfortune of being a super light sleeper. Of course my mother didn’t ask and I was exhausted with a headache and feeling like crap … Meaning I needed to sleep this afternoon.

My niece came over and I played with her for a bit. I do love spending time with her but then the fatigue set in and I needed to sleep. Well I kept waking up every 10 mins because she was running around. The constant waking up made me nauseated and of course frustrated! I told my mother and was upset that she did not ask if I was ok enough to have my niece over that day even though she saw that I was in pain and crying that morning. Of course the frustration of it all made me emotional and I could not stop crying. My brother Shabil came in and tried to help me relax and tried to make me feel better and it helped a little. I cried in bed for a little longer and then eventually stopped.

Finally after a long while I came down to eat. I sat down but started crying again because my brother had already gone out and my parents were going out so I was going to be home alone. I did plan on meeting up with a friend but that was only if I slept and wasn’t exhausted which didn’t happen. Frustrated all over again I became extremely emotional. In a few days I have chemo so again will not be able to do anything and will feel horrible for at least a week to ten days, so this was really my only weekend for now to go out or do anything … This 3 week cycle anyways.

Doesn’t seem fair but then life isn’t fair. There are many people worse off than me and I have to remind myself of that each day. That doesn’t mean however that I’m not entitled to feel sad, angry, frustrated and all the other emotions I go through daily. It just means that at the end of the day I am thankful that I am here and doing ok because I will get through this and be fine.